Fairy tales? Hell no!

I think I am actually an ugly person inside. I am just too good in hiding my faults, sometimes, transferring them into 'UN-fault', makes me a 'perfect' person in others eyes. I always ask myself, why the hell am I keep doing this? Why am I hiding? What am I hiding? Well, I guess it is a habit ever since I was young.

I have been judging myself recently, in whatever I do, wherever I am. And I realized one horrible thing that could ever happen, is that, I am just like other normal girl, wanting attentions. Well, not all from the guys, but everyone. Yes, EVERYONE. People always ask me why am I always staying up so late, or early. Well, I guess I am busy checking out my friends FB profile, and see how many testimonials they have got in a day. And I start wondering, are all these from his/her friends? Or previously he/she wrote something on their walls so they had to reply? Well, I guess I am just being ridiculous here, BUT, that is what exactly I am thinking of, sometimes.

I would like to know, a really honest answer, that---what is wrong with me? what had gone wrong? I have been trying hard to be a better person, and what I get in return is some unnecessary attentions? Do I really having problems with meeting ' meaningful ' people other than some fucking asshole who only asked for sex? Or did I give you any wrong signal, saying that " Hey, baby come over here, yes i am a playa!" ??

I swear to God, with my life, and heart and blood and whatever you can name, that whoever i met, or going to meet, I am giving you a true heart. I am wanting to make true friendship with you so be you are old, young, Indians, Malays or animals. And all I am asking for is the same that I had given to you. That simple, isn't it? But, apparently they are people who ended up staying in my 'not wanting to know more' list. I guess it is normal, even to everybody, that everyone choose their friends. Good friends, close friends, useful friends, useless friends. Well, I guess if you get listed in any of these, you are lucky, at least you are remembered, right? I wonder where I belong, in your heart.

I am a sensitive person. I read people's emotions. and understand them. All is because I CARE. Not because I pity or want you to remember me, but I am seriously wanted to show my caring to people, cause I think everyone likes to be cared, everyone deserved to be understood, as much as I do. And I love to care, cause it makes me feel 'useful'.

I always hated sympathy. Don't start worrying about me just because you know this is what I like to hear, see or feel. Do it because you really worried, or else, don't. You make me feel cheap, you making me sound like a pathetic freak running around everywhere to seek for companionship. Let me tell you what, I had learned how to be alone. I plan my own trip, I sponsor myself. So what if it cost most of my savings? I don't give a damn right now, I just want to feel useful, I just want to feel that I will be fine with no messages, no phone calls, no hi-how-are-you stuff, NOTHING. You don't even really care where the hell I am going. Or you just have no ideas how much I appreciate even if you just ' hey girl, where are you?' without any purpose.

Yea, it is not all about the purpose. You don't have to ring your friend just because you wanted a favor. You don't have to message your friend just because you needed some information. Well, I like to message my friends whenever I feel like it, with stupid questions or words, no reason, simply just because they are on my mind. That's the purest of love. You are always on my mind. I wanted you to know that you are remembered. Am I ever, in anyone else mind? Hmm, this is a brand new questions.

And seriously, I somehow had given up finding the right one. Some love stories like 'pretty woman', 'runaway bride' which I used to believe in, are now 'wooosshh', vanished. LOL, very funny right? People always asked what is the requirements to be my boyfriend, or the future? I always say the common things like, money, ambitious, tender loving care...yada, yada, yada...BULLSHIT! Let me tell you what, I want FAIRY TALES. Can you believe what I had just said? FAIRY TALES. It is hard to believe I just said that, loudly, in this post. Pathetic. Dream on. Anyway..sigh...nevermind. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BABE.


Whoever who read this, will somehow understands me a little bit, that I am breakable, hurt able, bendable. BUT, I am definitely not weak, I AM STRONG.


Gosh, I think I sound like a teen right now. Childish.