Define Beauty

In everyone’s heart there’ll always be something that is beautiful, important enough to cherish, to give themselves strengths and will to continue chasing dreams in life. Beauty can only be defined by the person who sees it and no one else. Some says, “The sky. Every hour of the day it’s different.” While some says, “Beautiful is… the curve of a smile on a mother’s face as she watches her little girl dance.” Beauty is the qualities that give pleasure to senses, is the total consciousness of our perfections, and it’s an outstanding example of its kind.

Still remember when I was young, no one liked me. I was a fat and ugly, dumb and disgusting child that had been abused by my own aunt. Even my own father hated me. I’d always wonder what’s wrong with me. I don’t think physical appearance would be the cause of hatred. Then mommy wanted a divorce because the person that I used to call “father” betrayed his commitments to my mother and I by seeing another woman, and not only that, he even brought that woman back to home and chased us out of the room during midnight. Sounded sad isn’t it? I was three and my very first lesson that I learned was “betrayal”. I don’t trust anyone else beside myself, because I’m afraid of getting hurt and I’m too scared to try the taste of disappointment. I’ve always believe that the higher expectation you have the bigger disappointment you will get, so I chose not to expect anything from anyone who have any half chance to betray my trust, and to do so, I chose not to trust. Since then I became a defensive person who overly self protected. Eventually, friends didn’t like to hang out with me; teachers don’t even bother about me. I was a pathetic lonely little freak. My second lesson that I learned was “hate”. I hated people around me, I hated myself. Since then, I learned “lonely”. Everywhere I go people laugh at me about my size. I rather am alone where only silence is my most trusted friend.

To err is human, to forgive is divine. There’s no beauty can be born of perfection. No one can ever make everyone like you. I made a mistake, and I willing to change, and from that I learned to “forgive”. I tried to focus on my life, things that I should do and my aims towards my destiny. And so I am ever-seeking to learn that next lesson, “achievement”. You want people to respect you as what you are but first you need to respect the others. What I have learned has helped me to become a contented and respectful person. I stand by my word to study hard and do all the best I could to achieve self-actualization.

Things that happened in life, no matter good or bad, are where you gain your experience. Great changes in my life had proven that nothing is impossible as long as there’s hope. By turning into a confident person, with smile on my face everywhere I go and for everyone I meet, “happiness” was my sixth lesson. Happiness is priceless, it is not meant for sale but to be discovered, and when you have found it, you’ll never miss or lack it. To be satisfied is indeed, to be beautiful.

Beauty, to me, is the process that leads me towards satisfactions. The process that I meant here, is not a formula or a procedure but the mistakes that you had done; the though time that you had been through; the moments that you had shared; and the lessons that you had learned to make you a better person, a person good enough to say, “I am satisfied!”

feeling lonely

today is my birthday where blessings from friends haven't been stop since 11th august night till now through sms and calls and friendster. somehow there's something missing here tonight, i was at home all night long facing the computer doing nothing. feeling empty deep inside wondering what am i looking for? dad wasn't willing to watch atleast a movie with me tonight just because he wanted to watch golf..know what i feel like hating golf sometimes. the first thing comes into parents' mind are golf golf golf and golf and nothing else. all i want is just a movie at home on my night and nothing else why is it so hard?
plan had been cancelled due to some reasons, feeling down because of that makes me feel like i'm the only one left in this world buying myself birthday cake, singing happy birthday to me and all...some of them asked why didn't celebrate or anything...i mean it's your bday and do you purposely go tell everyone "oh today is my birthday so i want you to celebrate with me" like that?
i donno bout others but if it's my closest frens' bday i would put out all my effort to celebrate with her eventhough there's only 2 of us to make sure she is not lonely on her night...

sorry....

i'm just feeling extremely lonely tonight....

just tonight let me cry one last time and i promise i'll never cry because of these small matters again...i promise..

just let me be me tonight

the story behind *jacy*

"When ppl come and talk bout life, especially during teenage, you'll eventually found out that most of them didn't really know what is life all about. Well, not all, but MOSTLY."

I was with a friend of mine, a new friend. We were sitting in a restaurant and talking about life and all. A lot of ppl around me, mostly, by seeing the way i dress or behave or approach or what-so-ever, will tend to assume that i might come from a wealthy family, living a wonderful life full of pamper and loving care by parents, could just get whatever i want, just like the word "spoilt brat" who didn't even know what's the value of life. Too bad to those who THINK that way. I'm a very straight forward person with many faces, facing A kind of ppl i gave them the A face, while B ppl will receive a B from me and this continue C,D...and so on. Last time i used to find myself dishonest...but when time passed us by, you'll realise this is just a way of living. I've been through alot and have seen alot in my 20 years of life..of course there's still be a long way to go...throughout the years, my buddies are the one who see my changes from a ugly duckling to a swan. Today, what you see in me is a total different me in the past 17 years.

I was born in an extremely wealthy family. The family do big business. Just like what the story tells, rich parents have everything for the kid but love and time. Fortunately, my mom do take well care of me. I wasn't living a happy live in that family, in fact, my mom and i didn't live a happy live in that family. I was being abuse by my father's sister, reason why, jealousy. My grandparents love me more than her son, and in order to get her part of the big fortune protected, she hates me and try to do everything just to chase me away from that house. So, she bit me. When everyone out for job, she bit me. My mom wasn't really liked by the family..cause she is not that well-educated on the other hand the family is rich and famous...they tend to feel shameful with my mom existence in that family..so..my mom was been used as a maid in that house...cook, wash clothes whatsoever..why didn't she just leave the family??Well she stayed just because of me, she needed to stay to protect me from the evil aunt, and if she bring me along to run a way, financial is a big problem for her to raise me up, so she chose to stay. Then, something really bad happened till she couldn't take it anymore but to leave the hell. One night, i remembered, i was three that time, but do have a very clear memory of that period because it is seriously UNFORGETTABLE. That night, the person who i used to call "father" woke us up from sleep, i saw him hugging another woman with his arm, he chased us out of the room and left us outside..he and the woman went in, well god knows what they are going to do in there..since then, i saw tears dripping from my mom's eyes..not only that, the face, the disappointment, heart-broken and sorrows were written clearly in her very eyes. I was the only one there at that time, who was very young, be able to give her a hug...i remembered i told her in Cantonese,"shhh mommy don't cry cause you still have me". She cried for a very long time in my arms, silently. Then she had decided to bring me along with her and leave the damn place. We walk out of the house with our own belongings, and just that, without a glance back. After that, my current dad, who liked my mom for many years, take the part of being a father and a husband and come into my life. Well, i felt happy for my mom and i dare to say we were extremely lucky to have him...he is just such a wonderful person...i love him soooooooooooo much..there we are, happily ever after...

well, that's the family part which now i have no doubt to use the word " perfect"..

I thought life might just go on smooth and steady till i grow old...but the word "forever" doesn't seems to work on me...i was 7 and it;s time to go to school..well the first few months of school day were fun and nice and sweet..but things don't really work out that way anymore after that..i donno why and what have i done wrong, my friends just keep themselves away from me, not only that, even teacher disliked me. She insulted me in the class, making fun of me with the classmates, telling lies to my mom that i wasn't paying attention to her class but actually i DID..*I'm top 3 in the class*..Friends started to call me by nickname like pig, wild bore, JE(virus)...as you can understand that I'm FAT by the nickname they used to call me. I have no friends AT ALL. Hopeless, loneliness, donno wat to do...joyful run away from me..and my mom knows that in the end, so she tried to transfer me to a new environment hoping i can go on a new life with new friends..well i was happy, i seriously was. The first day of the school, that time i was already standard 4, things just don't go the way you want. I remembered the very first sentence that my former class teacher says," hey ppl from row 3 and row 4 please move abit of your seat cause she(me) needs more space, that doesn't fit her".....well i know i'm FAT, but as a teacher as a grown up adult will you say words like these to a small kid? it's a very big "crime" and this actually mentally affected me. I was very depressed at that time, depression makes someone ugly and here i am back into the same friendless life in the new place..i never laugh, i always angry, I'm introvert, i'm depressed, i'm a piece of shit. After primary school, i realised that i couldn't continue that way i have to do something. I decided to let go of the past and seriously look forward. Well i managed to do so, things are slowly getting better, i have friends!!!i am sooo soo soo happy and do you know that;s the first time i have ever tasted the feeling of having a friend is just the greatest thing that happened to me ever..=) here i go, a better secondary school life still with a fat body..until...i liked a guy, love him soooo much till i willing to sacrifice everything just for him. i liked him since form 2 till form 5. But i have no self-confident at all, because i don't have a great look. every single day when I'm home, I'll look at the mirror and ask why do i look like this, why why why....i was very sad when things goes seriously bad...(this part have to cut out)....the incidence is like a big bomb to me, i couldn't take it at that time. This bomb motivates me to go on a serious diet..i work hard during the diet, and throughout the process, changes that happened to me, i learned something from it..i gained something which is not hidden somewhere soooo deep in my heart...it's a lesson. The lesson of life. It's really hard to describe wat i gained through word, because it is something abstract, you need to experience the whole thing and feel it with your very heart..

"to err is human, and to forgive is Divine"
i came across with this phrase one day and realised how stupid i was, because of hatred, i put myself into bad situation, affected my family and ppl who always supporting me..the biggest success now in my live is been able to forgive who ever that was fault. Forgiveness make your heart spacious.

Telling the story of mine here is not to beg for sympathy. Just wanting to share my experience of life what I'd been through, the changes in me and problem solving..it's fine to be wrong as long as you change. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO A WILLING HEART. Here i am now, happy all the way=) sometimes, to let go on the bad memories is a great achievement. you can see things wider and clearer. we learned through experience and once we are contented, we are success.

"The value of life is not how many friends you have or what car you drive, it's the content that matters the most."

*special thank for faye(u know why), my father(current one) and my mom...i love you all!!!

ReFreshing'*v*'

New coll..new term..new friends...everything is new makes me feel like i've been freshen up...It is indeed seriously something great that happened, i wasn't that tensed anymore worrying how and where would i be in the future..that kind of uncertain feelings make you shivered a little bit sometimes..scary~~well everything brand new means starting all over again, it's seriously doesn't matter to me. i'm not worried bout being elder than others, not even bother bout the so called "generation gap" between me and my younger friends, good new is we get along pretty well+)
Definitely if there's new life, there'll be new thoughts coming out from my mind..i realized i'm more energetic and passionate compare to the time when i was in my old coll..i just have no idea what changed me..i think..maybe it's the atmosphere and the people around changed me..everyone is so determinate and competitive...it's something like the difference between people in Malaysia and Hong Kong...hmmm..i felt nervous but challenging...
Finished figure drawings..suffering but with a little bit of self-enjoyment..
Phew...just that...with one click it's the end of a day..time is flying beyond its limit..and through out the time we discovered, sacrified and learned..with that we were leaded to a better future=)

feeling darn GREAT!!
"I KNOW THAT MY FUTURE IS NOT JUST A DREAM, NOT ANYMORE!!"

*self*

Tonight was one of the greatest night i had during the long break. I had great time talking with my old buddy, faye and her boyfriend zul...what can i say bout them? They are really nice ppl...it's been a really long time since we last met, finally there's time for us like really sit down and talk bout how's life going on and stuff. After the night only i realized time flies, and it's hell faster than i've expected. I looked at her, she was just as fine as ever, lively and oh...i love her smile alot=) i see great changes in her after getting involved in this current relationship with zul, she smile a lil' more often, she became cuter like a baby, and she is a lot happier than she used to be...i'm glad to see that and this should thanks to her boyfriend zul...I seriously think he is a great guy. I donno what's best to describe him, hmmm, "wise" should be the word i guess....
Remembering when we were in high schools, those days were the most craziest and happiest i would say, but come to think bout it it was kinda childish, i mean the things that we had done, words that we had spoken, the mentality in solving problems...time is like a river, it never stop flowing. Time changes the story of life, and time changes us. We are no longer a bird in the cage...we are now the flying eagle in the sky, searching the way to the gate of success, improving self-personalities, seeking answers for the doubts and still having hopes=)I've always believed that hope makes a man. A man without hopes is nothing but a fool. I used to be a fool, gived things up easily, lacked of confident and self-depressed..well that was the old days, when time goes by, breaking through the thicks and thins, having tears and laughters, experiencing the bitterness as well as the sweetness..i'm sort of like grown up, became someone better..well, afterall it isn't hard to change as long as you don't give up learning..the devotion of time and efforts is one of the necessities, of course determinations are necessary. I'd came across with a quote during my self-learning that said, "if you wished to succeed, you should use persistance as your good friend, experience as your reference, prudence as your brother and hope as your sentry"
Circumstances are the rules of the weaks; they are but the instruments of the wise, make use of the ever-changing world and make yourself a "superhuman"=)..well tho it sounds a lil' bit hard, but hey, if there is a will there'll be a way, never give up before you try=)

specially thanks to faye and zul. *tears*

when there is a will, there is a way

When your hope gets defeated, what will you do? Nothing is impossible to a willing heart, when there is life, there is hope. Failure is the mother of success, throughout failing we learn. Once we are learned, we dare to chase after dreams, devote our lifes to the future, believing that dream will come true.

证明你值得

《证明你值得》

你说着，我听着

像海洋打着，沙滩受着

你的忧伤大於快乐，连彩虹都只剩一种颜色

我听着，你说着

像晚风吹着，发丝飘着

就因为爱没有规则，所以心痛了，死了，回不去了

但是我存在着，一直存在着

任何痛苦的负荷，我陪着，你不会孤单着

在你最无助那一刻

我真的存在着，一直存在着

不管时间的区隔，我守着，静静的，我守着

因为我陪着，我守着，你，值得

—————————————————————————————————————

这是一位男生，为了心爱的女生所写的一首词，我深深地被打动了。我好羡慕那女孩，能被人证明自己是被守着，被爱着，是一件多么幸福的事。牺牲岁月来等待这样的幸福，不知道算不算浪费？世界的某个角落真的存在着值得我等待的那个人吗？还是说，会有那么一个人真的会出现在

我面前证明我值得？

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以上是我的读后感。第一天，第一次，在这里发的第一篇blog竟然是那么地哀伤，应该会让人不免的觉得我是一个多愁善感的人吧。容许我为自己辩解，我只是比较感性罢了。好啦，是很感性。当我被幻想冲昏了头时，我会很期待会有那么一个人出现，然后希望能爱他个轰轰烈烈的；一旦回到现实时，就会觉得那只是一种盲目的追求，与其荒废岁月等待那个王八蛋，还不如自己去证明自己是值得的（当然要在确定那王八蛋是值得你去证明的情况下，千万别做傻事）。有人说，时间是用来测量爱的深浅。这说明了什么？时间越久，爱就越深吗？别傻了，时间是人类用来换取结果的工具。所谓；“路久知马力，日久见人心”，只要时间长了，便能看见他的心是真是假了。感觉上我好像说得有点太现实了，可是现实就是事实，而事实往往都是残酷的。其实，幻想也并非坏事，至少能让这世界多了些许善良，多了那么一丁点快乐。怎么说呢？幻想是美化现实的工具，偶尔幻想一下，就像是替伤口涂上止痛药一样，暂时忘了痛的感觉。告诉你，现实是伤痕的积累，是负荷重叠曲。而现实的药方，是爱情。因为爱情能让人盲目，陶醉其中。爱情就向毒品一样，会上瘾的。所以，要先认定了，才去试。别误会，我说的是爱情。