INVISIBLEtoad;invisibleME

when desire and lust

2010-08-18T03:57:00.002+08:00

*u fil up my senses like a night in the forest
*like the mountains in springtime
*like a walk in the rain
*like the storm in the desert
*like the sleepy blue ocean
*u fill up my senses, come fill me again
*come let me love u, let me give my life to u
*let me drown in ur laughter
*let me die in ur arms
*let me lay down beside u
*let me always be with u
*come let me love u, come love me again

always on my mind♥

2010-06-17T06:38:00.004+08:00

It's been awhile since my last post in this blog.

I don't understand what is the feeling I am having right now. It's a strong feeling, that did not just happen [click] like that. It is so strong that words could never be enough to describe it.

One thing for sure i know and I couldn't lie to myself, is that you are always on my mind. From the day I met you, from the day you asked me to dance, I know it well enough that you will become someone so influential to me. It happened.

Oh gosh.

How I wish I could say it out loud to you , that I love you. I love you so much. I know that you know it, you have strong senses in you, even if I don't speak my mind, you knew what I am thinking about. That is how great you are to me, because you understand, and willing to understand.

I used to be a selfish person, who believe so much in love should exist only when I can get a same amount of love that I have given in return, or greater but never less. I used to believe that when love happened it should last forever. I used to think that to love is to own, to be the most important, to be the most special. But YOU the one, who showed me what LOVE truly is, and how great LOVE can be, and how much you have loved and still loving.

LOVE is more than just about saying it.♥

I discovered LOVE is so much more than I used to know. LOVE is an action happened only from your truest will. LOVE comes from within. It is not to be told how much you have love. It is not to be showed how great your love is towards that special person. Love is not meant to own but to be given, it is not meant to be seen but to feel with your soul, it is not meant to be read but to understand with an open heart. ♥

With Love, I wish you to be happy, regardless where your happiness comes from.
With Love, I wish I could set you free by replacing my wings to your broken ones.
With Love, I wish you could love the way you wish to love.
With Love, I wish you could be loved by someone whom your heart has given to.

Thank YOU so much, because you made me LOVE again.
You made me discover that I can go further than I thought.
You discovered me, and I discovered MYSELF.♥

Discovering is a kind of love.
Understanding is a kind of love.
Caring is a kind of love.
Concerning is a kind of love.
Scolding is a kind of love...and many more.

♥All kinds of love in the world make life so worthwhile, so great. Smile from within, that's the greatest present I would love to have from you, and from everyone else that I love. I love YOU, and all of you. ♥

I am one step ahead now, and many awaiting still. Can't wait to see what is ahead of me :) And fear is getting lesser, strength is getting bigger.

I am not afraid. Anymore.

I am so brave, because I see myself. Because I LOVE YOU.♥

realisation

2009-09-27T03:47:00.002+08:00

thanks to an unknown person, he/she was criticising what i have to say in my personal blog. but that is not the point, the point is, i needed to thank him/her for voicing out what she had in her mind after reading. and, i started to realise that i had actually thought the same way towards others.

i had learned to realise how that person would feel, when expressing themselves in their very own blog, was commented as a foolish thing to do. and how ridiculous for those who critics others feeling, for example the unknown person, including myself!

when i was writing, basically i wouldn't really care about the spellings, or grammars or whether the content of the post is childish, nonsense or mature. i am just letting myself out for the moment, especially after having a really bad time. i have no one to talk to at that moment, so i chose to 'scream' in my blog, is that wrong? i am sure most of the people who blog, thinks the same way. maybe they just don't realised it.

hmm, seriously i am glad that i had this realisation. i had learn to not to ignore others feeling. they might be childish or nonsense once in a while, but hey, who doesn't had a bad time right? just let them release themselves a little bit, and they will be fine again=)

once again, i thank you ( whoever who had a problem with me/others blog post ), before you critics/comment on others feeling, think of yourself.

i used to make that mistake, and now i will try to change.

Fairy tales? Hell no!

2009-08-03T04:03:00.003+08:00

I think I am actually an ugly person inside. I am just too good in hiding my faults, sometimes, transferring them into 'UN-fault', makes me a 'perfect' person in others eyes. I always ask myself, why the hell am I keep doing this? Why am I hiding? What am I hiding? Well, I guess it is a habit ever since I was young.

I have been judging myself recently, in whatever I do, wherever I am. And I realized one horrible thing that could ever happen, is that, I am just like other normal girl, wanting attentions. Well, not all from the guys, but everyone. Yes, EVERYONE. People always ask me why am I always staying up so late, or early. Well, I guess I am busy checking out my friends FB profile, and see how many testimonials they have got in a day. And I start wondering, are all these from his/her friends? Or previously he/she wrote something on their walls so they had to reply? Well, I guess I am just being ridiculous here, BUT, that is what exactly I am thinking of, sometimes.

I would like to know, a really honest answer, that---what is wrong with me? what had gone wrong? I have been trying hard to be a better person, and what I get in return is some unnecessary attentions? Do I really having problems with meeting ' meaningful ' people other than some fucking asshole who only asked for sex? Or did I give you any wrong signal, saying that " Hey, baby come over here, yes i am a playa!" ??

I swear to God, with my life, and heart and blood and whatever you can name, that whoever i met, or going to meet, I am giving you a true heart. I am wanting to make true friendship with you so be you are old, young, Indians, Malays or animals. And all I am asking for is the same that I had given to you. That simple, isn't it? But, apparently they are people who ended up staying in my 'not wanting to know more' list. I guess it is normal, even to everybody, that everyone choose their friends. Good friends, close friends, useful friends, useless friends. Well, I guess if you get listed in any of these, you are lucky, at least you are remembered, right? I wonder where I belong, in your heart.

I am a sensitive person. I read people's emotions. and understand them. All is because I CARE. Not because I pity or want you to remember me, but I am seriously wanted to show my caring to people, cause I think everyone likes to be cared, everyone deserved to be understood, as much as I do. And I love to care, cause it makes me feel 'useful'.

I always hated sympathy. Don't start worrying about me just because you know this is what I like to hear, see or feel. Do it because you really worried, or else, don't. You make me feel cheap, you making me sound like a pathetic freak running around everywhere to seek for companionship. Let me tell you what, I had learned how to be alone. I plan my own trip, I sponsor myself. So what if it cost most of my savings? I don't give a damn right now, I just want to feel useful, I just want to feel that I will be fine with no messages, no phone calls, no hi-how-are-you stuff, NOTHING. You don't even really care where the hell I am going. Or you just have no ideas how much I appreciate even if you just ' hey girl, where are you?' without any purpose.

Yea, it is not all about the purpose. You don't have to ring your friend just because you wanted a favor. You don't have to message your friend just because you needed some information. Well, I like to message my friends whenever I feel like it, with stupid questions or words, no reason, simply just because they are on my mind. That's the purest of love. You are always on my mind. I wanted you to know that you are remembered. Am I ever, in anyone else mind? Hmm, this is a brand new questions.

And seriously, I somehow had given up finding the right one. Some love stories like 'pretty woman', 'runaway bride' which I used to believe in, are now 'wooosshh', vanished. LOL, very funny right? People always asked what is the requirements to be my boyfriend, or the future? I always say the common things like, money, ambitious, tender loving care...yada, yada, yada...BULLSHIT! Let me tell you what, I want FAIRY TALES. Can you believe what I had just said? FAIRY TALES. It is hard to believe I just said that, loudly, in this post. Pathetic. Dream on. Anyway..sigh...nevermind. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BABE.

Whoever who read this, will somehow understands me a little bit, that I am breakable, hurt able, bendable. BUT, I am definitely not weak, I AM STRONG.

Gosh, I think I sound like a teen right now. Childish.

Period of time

2009-07-28T02:00:00.007+08:00

Clicking into this so many times. In and out, in and out.

I so wanna write something, as there's too many inside me that i couldn't find a way to let it out.

I am going through a phase, right now. Is like going back to time, when i was full of doubts, hopeless and dull. Too many BLACKS had blended inside my WHITE life, it became GREY. Oh yes, i am feeling grey.

Grey is like, neither black nor white. Neither good nor bad. Meaning i am unsure. In between. Confused. I realised what i have done these while, is like i am returning being a child, or should say teenager, a rebellious one. I know what is wrong to do, yet I made myself doing it. Funny? I have no idea what is wrong with me.

Maybe, I am not who i used to think I am? It's like, the connection between me and myself had lost, all of a sudden, BAMMmm. Gone. Where is the trust I had for myself? Please don't leave, come back!!

I am so down. REALLY down. Lower than the bottom of the deepest ocean. I tried to swim to the surface. But it is too deep. Drowning. Couldn't breath.

I need my COLOURS back. I need my light back. I need to shine, I meant to be shining. I need to find the 'me' whom I used to trust and believe in. I need to move on. I need to leave. LEAVE. I want to leave. To somewhere no one knows me, to start over, to make new mistakes, to learn again.

I know it is not an excuse for me to run away. In fact, I am not running away. I just need new fresh air, new colours, new inspirations, new challenges. I need new life.

I don't need you to understand me if you don't want to. Too bad for ya. Understanding should come mutually, not by force. I am not born to please everyone, I am not born to be liked by everyone. I have my own friends who knows me well enough. and that's really satisfying, knowing that there's someone out there, understands you the way you understand yourself.

*there's period of time when you have no idea what to do. there's period of time when you can't differentiate right or wrong. there's period of time when you are so lost that you couldn't even recognise your way home. BUT, it is okay, because it's the period of time to make mistake, and learn again. it's like you only when you fall, you will know the way to stand up. TIME CONTINUES, LIFE GOES ON, DON'T GIVE UP.*

I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

please

2009-07-01T03:00:00.000+08:00

can someone,

look at me

deeper.......deep deep inside..

just once?

can someone,

stay for awhile,

a little little while more,

just once?

catch me, don't let go.

release

2009-06-26T01:55:00.000+08:00

time really flies, like lighting,

too fast that i couldn't touch it, soundless.

things come into my life, and gone.

they left sounds in my head, keep telling, telling, telling....

'what have you done?'

i don't know, couldn't remember.

'what have you done?'

i don't know!

'what have you done?'

nothing.

how i wish i could vanish, no one can find me.

i'll do what i want,

freedom, unleashed.

and who is caging me?

myself.

终于

2009-05-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

终于做了了断。

松了一口气。

不过，如果可以，还是很想告诉他：

“谢谢你给我的爱，我永远也不会忘记的。"

爱情与成就，哪个重要？

2009-05-18T01:10:00.000+08:00

成就。

心很烦，有个很爱我的他，更烦。
因为，知道自己不够爱他。

我是一个很自私的人。

不爱他吗？不是。很爱他吗？还好。

爱情，会让我放慢追求梦想的脚步。

我该如何取舍？我不想伤害他。

怎么办？

RIGHT or [wrong] ?

2009-03-16T01:33:00.000+08:00

waiting for you to reach home, longing to hear your voice.

you are home, you called.

i am worried when i hear your first "hello", i knew something happened at your work place.

and i was right, you told me what happened, that somebody had did wrong things to you.

i understand, i know, it is reasonable for you to feel bad or angry. but i am worried, that what if you couldn't take it and leave? you have a life to live, or maybe i worry too much.

that's why i speak in a general point of view, that life is like that, what can we do bout it?
but it seems like this had made you unhappy, maybe because i didn't stand at your point. maybe...

everyone will been through all these shit along their journey to success, and we have to learn how to deal with it. i am just afraid that you might give up just like that, i am worry about this might slow you down to your destiny.

i know, everyone have emotion, and is okay to have emotion when things doesn't go our way. just hope that no matter what you won't give up just because of all these small matters. he have attitude problem just let him be, this and that being an ass hole or not let him be, because afterall is his lose anyway, he won't gain any benefits from this anyway. isn't it?

i love you and will always be. sometimes, just sometimes, i think that you have very little tolerance in you. and this makes me feel insecure. through your reaction towards things actually reflects your personality. sometimes when you deal with things with your emotion, makes me think alot, weta you are like that or like this, like this or like that?

again, maybe i worry too much.

i know, maybe i might behave like "i know i am the right one" always, but deep inside i will always question myself " am i right?"

come and think about it, maybe i am like that as well, get emo with small little thing, he is wrong so i get angry, this one is not right i get angry. maybe i am the wrong one, but i just didn't realize it myself.

you cannot see yourself without a mirror. that's why some didn't know they did something wrong if you didn't tell him to.

i hope i can be your mirror and you can be mine.

if i am you and you are me, what will you do? what will you say?

i am confused, maybe what you doing is right what i am doing is wrong, or might be the other way round.

i really donno

new true fren, part 2

2008-11-26T23:26:00.001+08:00

FROM HER to ME

*touched*

I appreciate it,alot.The effort that u blended in for this message and the time spent on me =) Thank you so much,love you dearly =)

i dunno hw am i supposed to put this words,well i guess i wanna grab u and give you a bigggggggggggieee hugs whn i get back =)))))

This will be the song that i am gonna dedicate to you,sooner or later,i am sure abt it

"True Friends by Hannah Montana"

^^^We sign our cards and letters BFF*****
You've got a million ways to make me laugh
You're lookin' out for me; you've got my back
It's so good to have you around

You know the secrets I could never tell
And when I'm quiet you break through my shell
Don't feel the need to do a rebel yell
Cause you keep my feet on the ground

You're a true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend

You don't get angry when I change the plans
Somehow you're never out of second chances
Won't say "I told you" when I'm wrong again
I'm so lucky that I've found****

A true friend*****
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again

True friends will go to the ends of the earth
Till they find the thing you need
Friends hang on through the ups and the downs
Cause they've got someone to believe in

A true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
No need to pretend
You're a true friend
You're here till the end
Pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend !!!!!***

Bunch of LOVES,
JoVie Wah
JOJO *giglleeee*

*ps...HUGGIES TO HER*

new true fren, part 1

2008-11-26T23:20:00.001+08:00

From ME to HER

"You Are Not Alone"

Another day has gone
You are all alone
How could this be?
I am right here with you
I’ll never say goodbye
Let me tell you why
Coz when you here with me
Made my world won't be so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How can I make you smile?
And I’ll whisper in your ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Deep inside your heart
I know you need my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hands
Together we can stand

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How do I make you smile?
And I’ll whispers in your ear and say
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Close your eyes and deep inside you know
Oh, girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

i not good at modifying songs, lol....

HUGS
*just for you to remember, that....you will never be lonely, cause you have me, and you hav us* =)

looking at the moon

2008-11-17T23:43:00.001+08:00

He says: “i didnt want to let u go”

InvisibleToad says: “but tomorrow you going jb ma”

He says: “yea”

He says: “can sms only”

He says: “somemore i be working”

InvisibleToad says: “and i'll be doing my finals”

InvisibleToad says: “but don't worry, we’ll still see each other in our dreams”

He says: “yea”

He says: “hey babe”

InvisibleToad says: “hmm?”

He says: “when u miss me at night”

He says: “look at the moon

He says: “least we be looking at the same thing”

InvisibleToad says: “and we are breathing the same air too”

InvisibleToadsays: “living under the same sky”

InvisibleToadsays: “i miss you everynight”

He says: “ same here”

He says: “ you know, I won’t wanna close my eyes and fall sleep because I miss you”

He says: “ even the sweetest dream can never compare to you because I miss you”

your eyes ask me how..

2008-11-17T23:43:00.000+08:00

InvisibleToad says:" my bottel bottel, are you ok?"

He says:" yea."

InvisibleToad says:" you geram abit o."

He says:" sorry sometimes i dont know why."

InvisibleToad says:" it's ok, if you know everything then you are god d."

InvisibleToad says:" we are human, there's alot more "why" that we donno."

InvisibleToad says:" it's like i donno why your eyes can tell stories..=)"

He says:" lolx."

InvisibleToad says:" hehe."

He says:" like i donno how you make my heart melt?"

InvisibleToad:" is like i donno why your hand can be so warm and soft and comfy..=)"

thinking deep, should i? or should i not?

2008-11-06T13:00:00.001+08:00

i went breakfast with my mom today, as usual, we talked bout our life and stuff, to keep each other updated.

suddenly i brought up the "love" topic, and wonder what she think bout this. and then, she reminds me of many things, that i couldn't see or forgottan....

i asked, if you really like that person, should "realistic" tells you what to do, or you just do it base on what you think?

she said, love comes without any boundaries, it's reality that allows you to make a choice. and now, the reality tells her, that time is still too young for love to come, it's my future that matters the most.

2 years later, i am going to UK, might not be coming back. should i? or should i not let go? is it fair? or is it not? how to not hurt anyone?

do they have another choice?

2008-11-03T18:29:00.001+08:00

yesterday night was my fren's bday celebration. after the dinner, a bunch of us has decided to go chow kit to have a look with "a gua pelacur".

there, i saw plenty of them (according to my fren, that night consider very very very little) standing on the street, a very creepy, dark and dirty street, shaking their body trying to grab attention.

we were laughing, i guess ppl enjoy seeing ppl who are different from normal, but deep down in my heart, i felt simpathy.

maybe, just maybe simpathy is the last thing they want from the society? what they wanted, i guess, is hope. hope to reborn? hope to start a new life?

they were laughing, they were dancing, they look happy...but are they?

or should say, do they have another choice?

soft hand

2008-11-01T23:17:00.001+08:00

he has soft hand...i felt it that night=)

but...

with plasters...lol

thank you

2008-10-22T02:35:00.001+08:00

Tonight is a sleepless night, while listening to the beautiful voice of josh groban, i am here writing a blog=) (obviously)

being honest and telling the truth can actually make someone so relief. i am always an honest person, but was shivered for a sec because i donno how to tell him face to face. finally, i had a long talk with him in msn, and i feel great bout it=) it's a mature way to be honest to each other when you are planning to move on to the next step.

i guess i was hiding myself too much previouly, makes me unhappy and sad. but luckily i manage to talk to my frens and get over it. i am back to happy mode, and try to always be=)

laughing is one of the best thing to do, it gaves hope=) and it shine me in a way. without laughing, i guess i am not being myself.... it's been a long time since i ever laugh like this before, waht a wonderful feeling..=)

i want to laugh, always=)

"love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction"

thank you, for listening. for caring. for understanding. for being honest.

and you really have beautiful eyes, your eyes tell stories..=)

tonight's a great night

2008-10-13T01:28:00.001+08:00

Tonight's a great night.

I went out with a fren of mine, or i would say a date??okay....a fren date.. haha...well, whatever it is, the most important thing is that we both having great time talking and chilling out(he told me so).

Flashing back bout what we had chatted, reminds me of the sweet memories when i am living with my grandparents. i miss my grandpa alot alot alot alot alot.......sigh, i miss him, tho he had passed away 6 years ago, not living with us in this house anymore, but i can feel him=) he always like to turn into butterfly, and stay in my pc room for hours!!! i know it's him=)

Anyway, yeah...lol, gosh...i have no idea why am i blogging......

By the way, he is....erm...kinda cute....(damn, he sure damn perasan when he read this)

找自己

2008-09-24T00:56:00.000+08:00

把留了很多年的长发剪短，找到了已经忘记的自己。

离开后，才发现自己受了委屈。
离开后，才发现自己错过了很多。
离开后，才发现世界变大了，天空也长高了。

爱得很深，又如何？
付出很多，又怎样？

到头来，也是要放弃的。

放弃了一年的感情。
放弃了爱他的心情。
放弃了有过的回忆。

得到了想要的自由。

这样，其实对大家都好。

真的，这样就好。

希望希望，在我看不到的时候，他会好好的过日子。
希望希望，当我不在身边的时候，他会坚强努力。

希望希望，他会开开心心。

希望希望，他会爱自己。

就像我爱他一样，就像他爱我一样。

最后一次，在这里叫你一声

“宝贝，要好好爱自己！！”

一个人

2008-08-18T18:31:00.000+08:00

坎坷的童年过后,从来没有再一个人走街，吃饭。这是我的原则。

今天，是第一次。

漫无精心地驾着车在路上行驶，脑袋一片空白。

到了目的地，逛逛，买东西，吃寿司。一个人逛，一个人买，一个人吃。

不知不觉，用了整千块。买完了，逛玩了，吃完了，回家。

我从来不会一个人吃饭，如果没人陪，我宁愿不吃。
我从来不会一个人逛街，如果没人陪，我宁愿不逛。
我从来不会一个人买东西，如果没人陪，我宁愿不买。

全因为，怕寂寞。

今天，所有的“不会”我都一个人完成。

到底为什么？

因该是不服吧，不服承诺过的人，临时改变主意。
因为她，心情真的非常地糟。不想见人，不想说话，只想一个人，做一个人可以做的事。

我不需要你陪，不要不要了。

今天的笑容很少，今天没说过一句话。

这样的我其实很可怕，因为连销售员都不敢跟我说话了。

真好笑。

一个人做着一个人作的事，真得很好笑。

我却。。。。。

笑不出来。

不想说话

2008-08-18T00:12:00.000+08:00

今天，心情很差。根本不想说半句话。

承诺，为什么叫作“承诺”呢？承，就是所谓的承认，承受；诺，便是诺言的意思。它是要我们，勇于承认，承受所说过的诺言。

偏偏，总是自己重视的人，背叛；食言。

心情深受打击，因为，这都不是第一次了。每每，遇到被食言时，我总是视而不见，苦苦哀求，好让她回心转意。当她好不容易答应，却没有丝毫喜悦，反而心如刀割。

那么多年朋友，难道要我撕破脸皮，才能让在我需要陪伴的时候，哀求你来？

想想，我何时在你需要支持时，不在你身边?
想想，我何时在你不开心时，不听你说话？
想想，我何时在你需要陪伴时，不在你左右？

我随时准备在你到下之前，扶持着你。以前是，现在是，未来也是。

每当我遇到挫折，都会一口气的自己撑到底，重来没有让你担心的时候。

可我只有一个小小的要求，就是当你答应了要做的事，别在最后时刻才说不做。

不止一次了。

我会累的。
我心会痛的。
我会很失望的。

别这样对我，好吗？

Define Beauty

2007-09-23T17:28:00.000+08:00

In everyone’s heart there’ll always be something that is beautiful, important enough to cherish, to give themselves strengths and will to continue chasing dreams in life. Beauty can only be defined by the person who sees it and no one else. Some says, “The sky. Every hour of the day it’s different.” While some says, “Beautiful is… the curve of a smile on a mother’s face as she watches her little girl dance.” Beauty is the qualities that give pleasure to senses, is the total consciousness of our perfections, and it’s an outstanding example of its kind.

Still remember when I was young, no one liked me. I was a fat and ugly, dumb and disgusting child that had been abused by my own aunt. Even my own father hated me. I’d always wonder what’s wrong with me. I don’t think physical appearance would be the cause of hatred. Then mommy wanted a divorce because the person that I used to call “father” betrayed his commitments to my mother and I by seeing another woman, and not only that, he even brought that woman back to home and chased us out of the room during midnight. Sounded sad isn’t it? I was three and my very first lesson that I learned was “betrayal”. I don’t trust anyone else beside myself, because I’m afraid of getting hurt and I’m too scared to try the taste of disappointment. I’ve always believe that the higher expectation you have the bigger disappointment you will get, so I chose not to expect anything from anyone who have any half chance to betray my trust, and to do so, I chose not to trust. Since then I became a defensive person who overly self protected. Eventually, friends didn’t like to hang out with me; teachers don’t even bother about me. I was a pathetic lonely little freak. My second lesson that I learned was “hate”. I hated people around me, I hated myself. Since then, I learned “lonely”. Everywhere I go people laugh at me about my size. I rather am alone where only silence is my most trusted friend.

To err is human, to forgive is divine. There’s no beauty can be born of perfection. No one can ever make everyone like you. I made a mistake, and I willing to change, and from that I learned to “forgive”. I tried to focus on my life, things that I should do and my aims towards my destiny. And so I am ever-seeking to learn that next lesson, “achievement”. You want people to respect you as what you are but first you need to respect the others. What I have learned has helped me to become a contented and respectful person. I stand by my word to study hard and do all the best I could to achieve self-actualization.

Things that happened in life, no matter good or bad, are where you gain your experience. Great changes in my life had proven that nothing is impossible as long as there’s hope. By turning into a confident person, with smile on my face everywhere I go and for everyone I meet, “happiness” was my sixth lesson. Happiness is priceless, it is not meant for sale but to be discovered, and when you have found it, you’ll never miss or lack it. To be satisfied is indeed, to be beautiful.

Beauty, to me, is the process that leads me towards satisfactions. The process that I meant here, is not a formula or a procedure but the mistakes that you had done; the though time that you had been through; the moments that you had shared; and the lessons that you had learned to make you a better person, a person good enough to say, “I am satisfied!”

feeling lonely

2007-08-12T22:30:00.000+08:00

today is my birthday where blessings from friends haven't been stop since 11th august night till now through sms and calls and friendster. somehow there's something missing here tonight, i was at home all night long facing the computer doing nothing. feeling empty deep inside wondering what am i looking for? dad wasn't willing to watch atleast a movie with me tonight just because he wanted to watch golf..know what i feel like hating golf sometimes. the first thing comes into parents' mind are golf golf golf and golf and nothing else. all i want is just a movie at home on my night and nothing else why is it so hard?
plan had been cancelled due to some reasons, feeling down because of that makes me feel like i'm the only one left in this world buying myself birthday cake, singing happy birthday to me and all...some of them asked why didn't celebrate or anything...i mean it's your bday and do you purposely go tell everyone "oh today is my birthday so i want you to celebrate with me" like that?
i donno bout others but if it's my closest frens' bday i would put out all my effort to celebrate with her eventhough there's only 2 of us to make sure she is not lonely on her night...

sorry....

i'm just feeling extremely lonely tonight....

just tonight let me cry one last time and i promise i'll never cry because of these small matters again...i promise..

just let me be me tonight

the story behind jacy

2007-06-27T00:35:00.000+08:00

"When ppl come and talk bout life, especially during teenage, you'll eventually found out that most of them didn't really know what is life all about. Well, not all, but MOSTLY."

I was with a friend of mine, a new friend. We were sitting in a restaurant and talking about life and all. A lot of ppl around me, mostly, by seeing the way i dress or behave or approach or what-so-ever, will tend to assume that i might come from a wealthy family, living a wonderful life full of pamper and loving care by parents, could just get whatever i want, just like the word "spoilt brat" who didn't even know what's the value of life. Too bad to those who THINK that way. I'm a very straight forward person with many faces, facing A kind of ppl i gave them the A face, while B ppl will receive a B from me and this continue C,D...and so on. Last time i used to find myself dishonest...but when time passed us by, you'll realise this is just a way of living. I've been through alot and have seen alot in my 20 years of life..of course there's still be a long way to go...throughout the years, my buddies are the one who see my changes from a ugly duckling to a swan. Today, what you see in me is a total different me in the past 17 years.

I was born in an extremely wealthy family. The family do big business. Just like what the story tells, rich parents have everything for the kid but love and time. Fortunately, my mom do take well care of me. I wasn't living a happy live in that family, in fact, my mom and i didn't live a happy live in that family. I was being abuse by my father's sister, reason why, jealousy. My grandparents love me more than her son, and in order to get her part of the big fortune protected, she hates me and try to do everything just to chase me away from that house. So, she bit me. When everyone out for job, she bit me. My mom wasn't really liked by the family..cause she is not that well-educated on the other hand the family is rich and famous...they tend to feel shameful with my mom existence in that family..so..my mom was been used as a maid in that house...cook, wash clothes whatsoever..why didn't she just leave the family??Well she stayed just because of me, she needed to stay to protect me from the evil aunt, and if she bring me along to run a way, financial is a big problem for her to raise me up, so she chose to stay. Then, something really bad happened till she couldn't take it anymore but to leave the hell. One night, i remembered, i was three that time, but do have a very clear memory of that period because it is seriously UNFORGETTABLE. That night, the person who i used to call "father" woke us up from sleep, i saw him hugging another woman with his arm, he chased us out of the room and left us outside..he and the woman went in, well god knows what they are going to do in there..since then, i saw tears dripping from my mom's eyes..not only that, the face, the disappointment, heart-broken and sorrows were written clearly in her very eyes. I was the only one there at that time, who was very young, be able to give her a hug...i remembered i told her in Cantonese,"shhh mommy don't cry cause you still have me". She cried for a very long time in my arms, silently. Then she had decided to bring me along with her and leave the damn place. We walk out of the house with our own belongings, and just that, without a glance back. After that, my current dad, who liked my mom for many years, take the part of being a father and a husband and come into my life. Well, i felt happy for my mom and i dare to say we were extremely lucky to have him...he is just such a wonderful person...i love him soooooooooooo much..there we are, happily ever after...

well, that's the family part which now i have no doubt to use the word " perfect"..

I thought life might just go on smooth and steady till i grow old...but the word "forever" doesn't seems to work on me...i was 7 and it;s time to go to school..well the first few months of school day were fun and nice and sweet..but things don't really work out that way anymore after that..i donno why and what have i done wrong, my friends just keep themselves away from me, not only that, even teacher disliked me. She insulted me in the class, making fun of me with the classmates, telling lies to my mom that i wasn't paying attention to her class but actually i DID..*I'm top 3 in the class*..Friends started to call me by nickname like pig, wild bore, JE(virus)...as you can understand that I'm FAT by the nickname they used to call me. I have no friends AT ALL. Hopeless, loneliness, donno wat to do...joyful run away from me..and my mom knows that in the end, so she tried to transfer me to a new environment hoping i can go on a new life with new friends..well i was happy, i seriously was. The first day of the school, that time i was already standard 4, things just don't go the way you want. I remembered the very first sentence that my former class teacher says," hey ppl from row 3 and row 4 please move abit of your seat cause she(me) needs more space, that doesn't fit her".....well i know i'm FAT, but as a teacher as a grown up adult will you say words like these to a small kid? it's a very big "crime" and this actually mentally affected me. I was very depressed at that time, depression makes someone ugly and here i am back into the same friendless life in the new place..i never laugh, i always angry, I'm introvert, i'm depressed, i'm a piece of shit. After primary school, i realised that i couldn't continue that way i have to do something. I decided to let go of the past and seriously look forward. Well i managed to do so, things are slowly getting better, i have friends!!!i am sooo soo soo happy and do you know that;s the first time i have ever tasted the feeling of having a friend is just the greatest thing that happened to me ever..=) here i go, a better secondary school life still with a fat body..until...i liked a guy, love him soooo much till i willing to sacrifice everything just for him. i liked him since form 2 till form 5. But i have no self-confident at all, because i don't have a great look. every single day when I'm home, I'll look at the mirror and ask why do i look like this, why why why....i was very sad when things goes seriously bad...(this part have to cut out)....the incidence is like a big bomb to me, i couldn't take it at that time. This bomb motivates me to go on a serious diet..i work hard during the diet, and throughout the process, changes that happened to me, i learned something from it..i gained something which is not hidden somewhere soooo deep in my heart...it's a lesson. The lesson of life. It's really hard to describe wat i gained through word, because it is something abstract, you need to experience the whole thing and feel it with your very heart..

"to err is human, and to forgive is Divine"
i came across with this phrase one day and realised how stupid i was, because of hatred, i put myself into bad situation, affected my family and ppl who always supporting me..the biggest success now in my live is been able to forgive who ever that was fault. Forgiveness make your heart spacious.

Telling the story of mine here is not to beg for sympathy. Just wanting to share my experience of life what I'd been through, the changes in me and problem solving..it's fine to be wrong as long as you change. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO A WILLING HEART. Here i am now, happy all the way=) sometimes, to let go on the bad memories is a great achievement. you can see things wider and clearer. we learned through experience and once we are contented, we are success.

"The value of life is not how many friends you have or what car you drive, it's the content that matters the most."

*special thank for faye(u know why), my father(current one) and my mom...i love you all!!!

ReFreshing'v'

2007-05-31T01:12:00.000+08:00

New coll..new term..new friends...everything is new makes me feel like i've been freshen up...It is indeed seriously something great that happened, i wasn't that tensed anymore worrying how and where would i be in the future..that kind of uncertain feelings make you shivered a little bit sometimes..scary~~well everything brand new means starting all over again, it's seriously doesn't matter to me. i'm not worried bout being elder than others, not even bother bout the so called "generation gap" between me and my younger friends, good new is we get along pretty well+)
Definitely if there's new life, there'll be new thoughts coming out from my mind..i realized i'm more energetic and passionate compare to the time when i was in my old coll..i just have no idea what changed me..i think..maybe it's the atmosphere and the people around changed me..everyone is so determinate and competitive...it's something like the difference between people in Malaysia and Hong Kong...hmmm..i felt nervous but challenging...
Finished figure drawings..suffering but with a little bit of self-enjoyment..
Phew...just that...with one click it's the end of a day..time is flying beyond its limit..and through out the time we discovered, sacrified and learned..with that we were leaded to a better future=)

feeling darn GREAT!!
"I KNOW THAT MY FUTURE IS NOT JUST A DREAM, NOT ANYMORE!!"

self

2007-05-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

Tonight was one of the greatest night i had during the long break. I had great time talking with my old buddy, faye and her boyfriend zul...what can i say bout them? They are really nice ppl...it's been a really long time since we last met, finally there's time for us like really sit down and talk bout how's life going on and stuff. After the night only i realized time flies, and it's hell faster than i've expected. I looked at her, she was just as fine as ever, lively and oh...i love her smile alot=) i see great changes in her after getting involved in this current relationship with zul, she smile a lil' more often, she became cuter like a baby, and she is a lot happier than she used to be...i'm glad to see that and this should thanks to her boyfriend zul...I seriously think he is a great guy. I donno what's best to describe him, hmmm, "wise" should be the word i guess....
Remembering when we were in high schools, those days were the most craziest and happiest i would say, but come to think bout it it was kinda childish, i mean the things that we had done, words that we had spoken, the mentality in solving problems...time is like a river, it never stop flowing. Time changes the story of life, and time changes us. We are no longer a bird in the cage...we are now the flying eagle in the sky, searching the way to the gate of success, improving self-personalities, seeking answers for the doubts and still having hopes=)I've always believed that hope makes a man. A man without hopes is nothing but a fool. I used to be a fool, gived things up easily, lacked of confident and self-depressed..well that was the old days, when time goes by, breaking through the thicks and thins, having tears and laughters, experiencing the bitterness as well as the sweetness..i'm sort of like grown up, became someone better..well, afterall it isn't hard to change as long as you don't give up learning..the devotion of time and efforts is one of the necessities, of course determinations are necessary. I'd came across with a quote during my self-learning that said, "if you wished to succeed, you should use persistance as your good friend, experience as your reference, prudence as your brother and hope as your sentry"
Circumstances are the rules of the weaks; they are but the instruments of the wise, make use of the ever-changing world and make yourself a "superhuman"=)..well tho it sounds a lil' bit hard, but hey, if there is a will there'll be a way, never give up before you try=)

specially thanks to faye and zul. *tears*

when there is a will, there is a way

2007-05-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

When your hope gets defeated, what will you do? Nothing is impossible to a willing heart, when there is life, there is hope. Failure is the mother of success, throughout failing we learn. Once we are learned, we dare to chase after dreams, devote our lifes to the future, believing that dream will come true.

证明你值得

2007-05-08T01:45:00.000+08:00

《证明你值得》

你说着，我听着

像海洋打着，沙滩受着

你的忧伤大於快乐，连彩虹都只剩一种颜色

我听着，你说着

像晚风吹着，发丝飘着

就因为爱没有规则，所以心痛了，死了，回不去了

但是我存在着，一直存在着

任何痛苦的负荷，我陪着，你不会孤单着

在你最无助那一刻

我真的存在着，一直存在着

不管时间的区隔，我守着，静静的，我守着

因为我陪着，我守着，你，值得

—————————————————————————————————————

这是一位男生，为了心爱的女生所写的一首词，我深深地被打动了。我好羡慕那女孩，能被人证明自己是被守着，被爱着，是一件多么幸福的事。牺牲岁月来等待这样的幸福，不知道算不算浪费？世界的某个角落真的存在着值得我等待的那个人吗？还是说，会有那么一个人真的会出现在

我面前证明我值得？

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

以上是我的读后感。第一天，第一次，在这里发的第一篇blog竟然是那么地哀伤，应该会让人不免的觉得我是一个多愁善感的人吧。容许我为自己辩解，我只是比较感性罢了。好啦，是很感性。当我被幻想冲昏了头时，我会很期待会有那么一个人出现，然后希望能爱他个轰轰烈烈的；一旦回到现实时，就会觉得那只是一种盲目的追求，与其荒废岁月等待那个王八蛋，还不如自己去证明自己是值得的（当然要在确定那王八蛋是值得你去证明的情况下，千万别做傻事）。有人说，时间是用来测量爱的深浅。这说明了什么？时间越久，爱就越深吗？别傻了，时间是人类用来换取结果的工具。所谓；“路久知马力，日久见人心”，只要时间长了，便能看见他的心是真是假了。感觉上我好像说得有点太现实了，可是现实就是事实，而事实往往都是残酷的。其实，幻想也并非坏事，至少能让这世界多了些许善良，多了那么一丁点快乐。怎么说呢？幻想是美化现实的工具，偶尔幻想一下，就像是替伤口涂上止痛药一样，暂时忘了痛的感觉。告诉你，现实是伤痕的积累，是负荷重叠曲。而现实的药方，是爱情。因为爱情能让人盲目，陶醉其中。爱情就向毒品一样，会上瘾的。所以，要先认定了，才去试。别误会，我说的是爱情。

*INVISIBLEtoad;invisibleME*

when desire and lust

always on my mind♥

♥All kinds of love in the world make life so worthwhile, so great. Smile from within, that's the greatest present I would love to have from you, and from everyone else that I love. I love YOU, and all of you. ♥

I am so brave, because I see myself. Because I LOVE YOU.♥

realisation

Fairy tales? Hell no!

Period of time

please

release

终于

爱情与成就，哪个重要？

RIGHT or [wrong] ?

new true fren, part 2

new true fren, part 1

looking at the moon

your eyes ask me how..

thinking deep, should i? or should i not?

do they have another choice?

soft hand

thank you

tonight's a great night

找自己

一个人

不想说话

Define Beauty

feeling lonely

the story behind *jacy*

ReFreshing'*v*'

*self*

when there is a will, there is a way

证明你值得

INVISIBLEtoad;invisibleME

the story behind jacy

ReFreshing'v'

self